Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
You Might Also Like
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
This is my bus stop.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.