Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Weirdly Wednesday.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”