Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
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If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
A wise man once said nothing.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.