Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh she’s cooked

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same