Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.