Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

I think this might be relevant today.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”