Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…