Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
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Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull