Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

well this is just bullshirt

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

nice challenge

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.