Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them