Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me