Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

Very good news from my accountant

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it