Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

it takes so much energy

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!