Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

is this store having a stroke wtf

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

Be the reason someone burns sage.