Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?