Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

smh

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come