Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

(Musicians.)

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

I want this so bad

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

ok hear me out: Luigiana

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

“Sheer Arrogance”