Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

bout dat hot dog summer

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone