Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.