Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.