Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

Did a trash talking tree write this?

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.