Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

From Facebook just now…

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

Good morning!

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

then why did i get this email

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

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