Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

what the

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever