Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

out-housing market appears to be strong

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe