Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
![]()
You Might Also Like
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
![]()
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.