Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
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The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
A male goth is called a broth.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years