Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Hear me out: WrestleVania
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
“Wait, let me explain..”
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)