Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one