Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
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*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
A completely valid reaction tbh
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
