me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
