me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
6: are snakes just neck?
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
