Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
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Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
