Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
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It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.