Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows