Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

Barbie gone wild

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you