Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

my lower back watching me try to live my life

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.