Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
What the hell is going on?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
