Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.