Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

The symmetry is uncanny.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate