Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
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If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
yeah no that’s fair
