Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

Just had my nails done!

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion