Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.