Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
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Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
life finds a way
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.