Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

No regrets in 2018

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

hackers play passwordle

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”