Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
couldn’t resist
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
