Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.

Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”