Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
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I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.