Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

My first child will be named New Folder.

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.