me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
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Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Spell check is for lasers.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?