me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
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Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Attacked by a mop.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
“no gods no masters” = leo
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist