Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

Why is this me 😫

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

gender is a sprctrum

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?