Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
“what that mouth do?” complain
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
