Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
