Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
