Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
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Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Childbirth is so beautiful
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy