Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Me buying fruit and veg
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
