Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, I bet you would be

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

The first matador

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

My neck, my back, my…

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.