Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

Done with work today.

The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

😭

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.