Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
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*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?