Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

The two types of wives

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

Buying a well is money well spent.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

Spell check is for lasers.

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.