Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
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I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”