Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
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I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
u spoke cat all this time??????
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.