Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
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The opposite of Iceland is water water
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
you’re not fooling anyone
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries