Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
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“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.