Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
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ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
boys are so easy to impress
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day