Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

me irl

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

What fresh Hell is this?!?

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

$3 #books

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend