Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Best spot.. 😅

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.