Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
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Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.