Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.