Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

i think both sides are to blame here

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies