Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

If you know, you know

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

These are my roll models.

me when i see my girls butt

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk