Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
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KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.