Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic