Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
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The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Oh. My. God.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why