Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
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I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.