@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

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@SirEviscerate

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

@JermHimselfish

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

@TheChrisAngel

By tomorrow night America will be in a turkey induced coma.

On Friday…Canada attacks.

@pauldame

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

@SaraMansford

So I called up the Captain, please bring me my wine. He said: “ma’am, this is a cruise. Please don’t call me again if there’s no emergency”

@DamienFahey

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

@thenatewolf

Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you

@AudreyPorne

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.